AND THEY’RE OFF!
TOMMY BAHAMA gets a clean break from the gate! Natural straw, youth sizing—she’s polished, she’s classic, she’s moving beautifully—
TOMMY BAHAMA enters the field.
But OLD NAVY SCALLOPED is coming up fast on the outside!
Cream! Wide brim! Bow at the crown! Look at those scallops!
“The Old Navy is cuter!”
OLD NAVY SCALLOPED makes her move.
And that’s all the owner needs to see! OLD NAVY surges ahead!
But WAIT—
J.CREW CREWCUTS IS MAKING A MOVE!
Five dollars, ladies and gentlemen. FIVE DOLLARS.
The shipping costs more than the horse. CREWCUTS doesn’t care! She’s charging down the stretch on pure bargain energy!
AND HERE COMES HANNA ANDERSSON TWEEN!
She’s wide! She’s woven! She’s giving Riviera!
HANNA ANDERSSON: Riviera energy, under review by the stewards.
But questions surround this late entry—is she too big? Is this a future-season prospect?
WE HAVE A MEASUREMENT FROM THE PADDOCK—
TWENTY-ONE AND A HALF INCHES!
THE CROWD ERUPTS!
The owner throws down an offer! THE OFFER IS ACCEPTED!
HANNA ANDERSSON HAS CLEARED THE STEWARDS’ INQUIRY AND ENTERED THE FIELD!
Word from the owner’s box: Hanna Andersson has emerged as the favorite hopeful.
Meanwhile HAUTE HIPPIE remains a mystery horse. Beautiful lines. Strong brim. Excellent breeding. REFUSES TO DISCLOSE HER MEASUREMENTS.
Officials are standing by. And all of them are racing against the most dangerous competitor on the track:
THE VACATION DEPARTURE DATE.
Saturday for Maine. Or Friday night, if the buyer’s husband decides to be a crazy person. The owner is now working the paddock, sending the same plea to every stable:
“Thank you so much!!! Is there any way you can ship today? We are leaving for Maine on Saturday (or Friday if my husband decides to be a crazy person lol) and i would love to have it by then for my daughter. No worries if the timing doesn’t work. I know it’s tight :)”
BREAKING FROM THE PADDOCK—
HAUTE HIPPIE HAS FINALLY SUBMITTED TO MEASUREMENT.
TWENTY-TWO AND A HALF INCHES.
Paddock report: the mystery horse finally submits to measurement. Usernames and account details redacted for publication.
The mystery horse has finally been measured. Officials confer. The owner looks at the already crowded field racing toward a vestibule in Greater Boston.
HAUTE HIPPIE IS SCRATCHED.
They’re coming into the final turn—
TOMMY BAHAMA IS IN THE FIELD—
OLD NAVY IS IN THE FIELD—
CREWCUTS IS RUNNING ON FIVE DOLLARS AND A DREAM—
HANNA ANDERSSON HAS CLEARED THE STEWARDS’ INQUIRY—
AND HERE THEY COME TO THE WIRE!
AND THEY’RE THUNDERING HOME—OLD NAAAAAVY! TOMMY BAHAAAAAAMA! CREWCUTS STILL RUNNING ON FIVE DOLLARS AND A DREAM! AND HAAAAAAAAANNA ANDERSSON COMING HARD FROM THE OUTSIDE—
IT’S HAAAAAAAAAAAAATS TO THE WIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!
THE CURRENT FIELD:
🥇 OLD NAVY SCALLOPED - Leading in Oh Come On, That’s Really Cute.
🥈 TOMMY BAHAMA - Natural straw and yellow ribbon. Doesn’t need gimmick - legitimately cute in her own right.
🥉 J.CREW CREWCUTS – The bargain long shot. The shipping cost more than the horse.
HANNA ANDERSSON -Twenty-one and a half inches. Riviera energy. The owner’s favorite hopeful, a late entry who cleared the stewards’ inquiry and is demanding a podium recount.
HAUTE HIPPIE — SCRATCHED - Twenty-two and a half inches. Elegant. Mysterious. Finally measured. Officials ruled the field sufficiently crowded.
There was supposed to be one hat. Somehow the search became a full field.
May the best hat make it to Maine.
🏇 👒 🏇 👒 🏇